Daily Draw, 1/9/2012 – Gaian Tarot, 10 of Air

When I pulled this card this morning, I took in the flock of geese going south for the winter… and leaving behind the stormy clouds lit by the setting sun. So beautiful and this card is the equivalent of the 10 of Swords? This is not usually a card I feel warm and fuzzy about…

So here’s what happened today. My husband and I meet about once a month with a counselor. We had some challenges over a year ago and have found that continuing to meet with our therapist has been really good for  us and well worth the expense, so we keep going. Often, this has forced us to deal with things before they fester, and keeps us in a pattern of improving our communication skills, which is so good!

I read Joanna’s text… and this part stood out:

“It’s a bittersweet time of letting go. You may not want to face the winter to come, yet it is inevitable.”

I’ve lived through some really ugly (read: abusive) relationships… years ago, before my daughter (who is now 23) was born. Truly, the man I’m married to now is a sweet and gentle man and we’ve been together 18 years. And after all these years, he still makes me laugh. Definitely, progress has been made as far as me making healthy choices. (Yea, me!) But what do I continue to do after the abuse of my former years? Yes, even though it occurred 20+ years ago… my defenses still come up when we have a disagreement and I choose NOT to be vulnerable and communicative. Instead of being willing to share my feelings and stay open, because it’s uncomfortable to do so, I would rather put  the walls up and shut him out.

I used to view this unwillingness to be vulnerable as strength. I’ve come to realize it is more about my fear than my strength.

This is what I want to let go.